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Okay, it's time to open up. I can't do it anymore, it's killing me.
I'm trash.
No, seriously. It kills me. I've been biting my nails, trying to cope. And I was doing a sweet recovery. Sigh.
It really wasn't an issue until the last few days. I have serious problems talking to others and expressing my opinion, because I'm afraid of being turned down. And I usually bottle up my feelings, and it's eating me alive. 

I thought it was a nice idea to just vent here, because being told to "stop biting your nails" is making me feel dumb.

I've been trying to hang out with my usual group of friends, but... No. I feel like I don't fit in. I'm in a group of talented people in what they love to do, and I just can't see the good in myself. I feel like I'm trying to catch up, and I never will. And I also agreed to play a tabletop game with them, but I feel like I'm just a burden! I really want to join them, but I just feel like the useless one. 
I second-guess myself a lot. I just can't seem to make my mind. I do the things because I want to do them, but the looming fear pulls me back, but it only does when it's too late. It's gotten so bad that I always stay invisible on skype because I don't want them to see me. I go offline to avoid receiving the messages, because just hearing them makes me feel awful. I am the Atlas of the group; I am the one to absorb the bs for others, and I'll be honest: I really don't mind. But it makes me feel like that. Just a tool. Someone who got there by casuality; I've always been. In art class, the only one that didn't become an artist for profit, the only one that was too nervous to present their ideas to the class, the only one that didn't have any family connections to art. With my friends, someone who just got there because they casually know someone there, even if they slowly started knowing everyone else. And I love them to death, I just feel like I'm useless.

I have tremendous ambition, and it's a trap: I work hard for what I want, but when I don't reach it (which is always) it hurts me and I withdraw myself from others. I try to hide under my shell, to avoid reality.
I'm an emotionally fucked up mess, and I'm always told to get a grip. I live in a façade of what I want to be, and I don't like to discuss my problems with others because it makes me feel like a waste of time.

And the worst thing is I refuse to take the easy route: I'm too scared of dying, but I'm too scared of living, so I'm always in limbo. Don't get me wrong; I have goals, dreams, likes and dislikes, just like everyone else. I just feel like I will never reach the cut. Like I will never be good at what I love to do. I personally love both art and writing; I want to create my own comic. But compared to everyone else, I feel like I can't do it. Like some of you know, I have a passion for fandomstuck: I enjoy every minute of it. But what do I do? I run a fucking AU blog. I'm not even good at it! My partner does way better than me (and considering his reputation, he's literally considered a god by the whole community. Make your own assumptions), and I even have a text blog, except I'm to nervous to run it by myself regularly. 

Fuck, I can't do this. At least that's out now. Later.

deviantID

FieryTheQuilava
Alex
Artist | Student | Film & Animation
Dominican Republic
Hey
I am the au elitist hey
tumblr is my life right now gomen
I usually draw fandomstuck or do memes or post bad art idk

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Comments


Add a Comment:
 
:iconpuzzled-shipper:
YOU'VE BEEN HUGGED!! *Hug*
SpreadSpread the DA love around! (you can copy and paste this message on their userpage!)
RULES:
1- You can hug the person who hugged you!
2- You -MUST- hug 10 other people, at least!
3- You should hug them in public! Paste it on their page!
4- Random hugs are perfectly okay! (and sweet)
5- You should most definitely get started hugging right away!
Send This To All Your Friends, And Me If I Am 1.
If You Get 7 Back You Are Loved!
1-3 you're bad friend
4-6 you're an ok friend
7-9 you're a good friend
10-& Up you're loved
Reply
:iconfierythequilava:
FieryTheQuilava 4 days ago  Student Filmographer
hella this is p cool but still i dont need numbers to tell me how great of a friend i am look at me go

you do get a hug tho *hug intensifies*
Reply
:iconpuzzled-shipper:
Damn right you don't XD

*Intensification intensifies*
Reply
:iconfierythequilava:
FieryTheQuilava 4 days ago  Student Filmographer
*intensification of intensification intensifies*
Reply
(1 Reply)
:iconfoxypika:
FoxyPika Mar 22, 2014  Hobbyist General Artist
Yo. LovePikaNizzy here. Just letting you know I followed you on tumblr. Because you can't exactly tell it's me from my url (tangled-headphone-cord) so I thought I'd just drop this here k I mean we haven't talked in ages and stuff but we're still friends right? Riight?
Reply
:iconfierythequilava:
FieryTheQuilava Mar 23, 2014  Student Filmographer
yes we are still friends thank friend
Reply
:iconpuzzled-shipper:
YOU HAVE A TUMBLR?! LINK MEH :iconreactionzoomplz:
Reply
:iconfierythequilava:
FieryTheQuilava 4 days ago  Student Filmographer
Reply
(1 Reply)
:iconfoxypika:
FoxyPika Mar 6, 2014  Hobbyist General Artist
Yo. Pika here. How you doing?
Reply
:iconbobdarell:
bobdarell Feb 13, 2014  New member
hi there 
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